brambles –

100 words, written for the Madison Woods Friday Fictioneers, constructive criticism welcomed.
wild rasberies — we called them brambles, picture here

Sometimes, there isn’t ever a good time to say goodbye.

time never stops to say goodbye
the pregnant pause, the words known but minds deny
the winds of change a breeze now but soon to blow
by summer’s end that one of us must go

Yet here we are, the woods pristine and old,
the ancient trails, lead us to sacred grove
just further on we accept the sun’s embrace
then brambled bush ripened jewels adorn this place

We feast and laugh, this ambrosia made to share
yet shadows lengthen, still our world without a care
Eyes sparkling blue, deep and so inviting
the taste of trembling lips, sweet delighting


52 Comments on “brambles –”

  1. Lori Lipsky says:

    Beautiful. I especially love the first line.

  2. rgayer55 says:

    A beautiful poem. I can’t think of anything to add that hasn’t already been said. Well done!

  3. Karmic Diva says:

    Your chosen words were quite perfect.

  4. bittercharm says:

    I can not imagine how can any one come up something so beautiful looking at the picture of a bunch of berries… its awesome. thank you for sharing.

    here is mine

    http://reeflections.wordpress.com/2012/06/29/friday-fiction-forbidden/

  5. I love the poetry. Especially the lines, “the words known but minds deny
    the winds of change a breeze now but soon to blow
    by summer’s end that one of us must go”

    Suspenseful.

    http://ebooksscifi.wordpress.com/2012/06/29/telestial-by-ilyan-kei-lavanway-for-madison-woods-friday-fictioneers-100-word-flash-fiction

  6. JKBradley says:

    Oh, that was good. Sweet. Juicy. Tasty. All in that one perfect moment, before it is no more. Kudos.

    http://thebradleychronicles.wordpress.com/2012/06/28/flash-fiction-friday-hallowed-ground/

  7. Brian Benoit says:

    Theres a nice sense of a fleeting time in this. I particularly liked the image of shadows lengthening even as the characters pretend this will never end. Great job!

    Brian (http://pinionpost.com/2012/06/29/the-tenants/)

  8. Jan Brown says:

    Loved this sweet summer romance!

    Saw your self-critique in comments, that you felt something was “off.” Possibly you need to decide whether the poem will have a formal structure, with consistent stansion and meter, or whether it will be free-form. It looks a little like a structured form now, with its lovely rhyme, but doesn’t have the standardized rhythm of a structured form. So…perhaps you could experiment with more freedom, as Madison suggested, eliminating any expectation that a reader might have for specific line length or rhythm.

    By the way, I love the words just as they are!

  9. It was very evocative, and I particularly enjoyed the “brambled bush ripened jewels”. A very ripe and luscious start to the day.

  10. erinleary says:

    Wistful, with longing. Mine is here: http://wp.me/p1Wqon-bl

  11. raina says:

    this prompt seemed to have inspired quite a few poetic ones this week…..nice one!

    here’s one of ours: http://writersclubkl.wordpress.com/2012/06/29/friday-fictioneers-valentine/ (we’re on the list)

  12. Dreamy, romantic, poetic … my favorite… “ripened jewels adorn the place..” Love the idea that it is taken from your past. Mine is on the list.

  13. Kwadwo says:

    Lovely poem… “the pregnant pause” actually made me pause to think about that line.
    You express an unspoken truth beautifully.

    http://logo-ligi.com/2012/06/28/w-m-d/

  14. […] really struggled here, and didn’t link it back, instead starting over with brambles. If you like one over the other, I would be interested in your thoughts of why – bw […]

  15. I heard recorders behind this one, thought it should be sung as a madrigal! It had a marvelous old-fashioned flavor full of nostalgia to me. Nice! Lorelei
    http://www.westcoastwriters.blogspot.com

    • billgncs says:

      thank you very much…. I had a melody in my head, and the cadence especially in the second stanza fit. Not sure how a chorus would work.

      bw

  16. dmmacilroy says:

    After reading your poem I feel as though my lips are stained red and full. A lovely piece from the heart of summer.

    Aloha,

    Doug

    http://ironwoodwind.wordpress.com/2012/06/28/486/

  17. Nifti says:

    Beautiful. Very lyrical. I’ve also learned something new …brambles 🙂
    see mine: http://niftitalks.com/2012/06/28/scarlet-lady/

  18. Stacey says:

    I love your stuff! (Maybe I’m a poet at heart… (you have no idea how much I use “yet here we are,” LOL.) I do get what’s being said about it being off. I mean, poetry, you can pretty much do what you want, but if you work with the rhythm a bit it might be more pleasing for readers.

    I (for instance) might do this:

    time never stops to say goodbye
    the pregnant pause, the words our minds deny
    the winds of change—a breeze now, but soon to blow
    by summer’s end one of us must go

    yet here we are, the woods pristine and old,
    the ancient trails that lead us to our sacred grove
    further on we accept the sun’s embrace
    ripened jewels on brambled bush adorn this place

    we laugh and feast on this ambrosia made to share
    yet shadows lengthen. our world still, we have no care
    eyes that sparkle blue, sweet delighting
    the taste of trembling lips—deep, inviting

    Mine’ll be up tomorrow if you want to take a look. 🙂 (No poetry, but I did attempt the second person.)

  19. So nostalgic! “…winds of change…” So true! I’m on the list but it isn’t visible this week so here’s mine: http://marilynkaydennis.wordpress.com/2012/06/29/madison-woods-friday-fictioneers-brambles/ As you can see, we have the same title, but the stories are completely different.

  20. Sounds like a bittersweet summer break. Poignant poem, loved the ‘pregnant pause’.

    • billgncs says:

      thanks for commenting… did anything strike you that was out of sorts? For some reason this poem doesn’t seem “right” to me.

      • I see what you mean, but am not sure I’d know how to fix it. I think though, it could be due to arrangement more than the words themselves. And take out extra words (but then I’m in favor of extreme brevity in phrasing poems, lol) Here’s one idea to show what I mean:

        Yet here we are,
        woods pristine
        and old,
        ancient trails,
        to sacred grove.
        we accept
        the sun’s embrace,
        then brambled bush
        ripened jewels
        adorn this place

        However, as you had it to begin with, I like it. But if I were going to fool around with it, that’s the sort of things I’d experiment with.

  21. Linda says:

    Lovely lyricaly poetry reminds me of the autumn when I’ll be lucky enough to pick the fruits. Thank you. Here’s my attempt too: http://womanontheedgeofreality.com/2012/06/28/friday-fictioneers-revenge-is-a-dish-best-served-cold/

  22. boomiebol says:

    Very well written.


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