false bravado

Eric Alagan has a very inspirational blog. Insightful and filled with out of the box thinking it often stirs up a quick response of a haiku or poem or short story.  See his blog here: http://ericalaganfanclub.wordpress.com/2012/03/30/my-fear/

This post recently spoke about fears and was filled with honest responses from many people and I dashed this off.

I do not fear death for that will bring peace.
I fear to open my heart and have it rejected,
laughed at as folly.

I do not fear the battle,
I fear the quiet after and my own thoughts.

I do not fear age, I fear helplessness,
and meaningless, and pity.

I do not fear tomorrow, but I fear for my children in the
world we have left them.

But I have been thinking of it, and as a cancer patient with a followup test in two days to determine if I need more treatment I realize it was dashed off with false bravado. I would rewrite it more honestly as:

Although I fear death for it will separate me from those I love,
I will not quail before it, for it will bring peace, and heaven.
I fear more to open my heart and have it rejected,
laughed at as folly.

I fear the battle, but I will face the surgeries, the nausea
the pain with a warrior’s heart, but still
I fear the quiet after and my own thoughts.

I fear age, I fear helplessness,
and meaningless, and pity,
being humbled by that unconquerable foe, time.
But I will stand before it with what dignity I can manage.

I do not fear tomorrow, but I fear for my children in the
world we have left them, and yet still they fill me with hope.


2 little white pills

Two this time, little white collections of hope or despair. I choose hope.  One gulp and they are gone. Much easier than the first time.

She steps back, holds the geiger counter towards me and I can see the needle jump.  Looks like it was the real stuff.

In one hour I can eat, and race to get this concoction out of my heart and soul and mind.  May it leave no trace.